I shared a song on my Facebook page that I was listening to. “What I Didn’t Know Then” by Jenna and Zoe. Listen to it now on Spotify if you haven’t had a chance to yet.
I can’t get the song, the lyrics out of my head….
“Lord if I had known how hard this road would get…”
I will be honest, after a couple of really hard years in 2017 and 2018 I felt like I was on pretty solid footing in 2019. Things were balancing out. I was walking in faith with my hands open, trusting God with my life and my family. I spoke at a women’s conference and felt like God was opening doors for me to chase my passion of serving Him in that way. And then our world exploded when we lost Isaac.
“I might have walked away and given up instead…”
There is perspective that comes with time. I was, in many ways, so naive. I think there was a part of me that held on to this belief that as long as I was doing all the “right” things, I would be spared from “bad” things. You know the idea that God rewards our good behavior…yeah I liked that idea. So when the unimaginable happens, what do you do?
“I couldn’t fathom all the ways You’d carry me through all those days.”
When Isaac died, I was convinced that the ability to experience joy was striped from me. A smile or a laugh felt like a betrayal to the son now missing. To celebrate anything good in life felt wrong and out of place. And yet I knew that wasn’t a life I wanted to live but I was unable to produce joy on my own. My desperate prayer in the beginning was that I would see Jesus in the darkness….
“What I didn’t know then is You were working, miracles yet to be seen. Turning the tide when I was desperate, praying hard down on my knees….”
I am sure it happened slowly, there were a lot of things that I don’t remember early on…but God carried us. There were moments of laughter in the midst of the sorrow. We experienced the love and grace of others that carried us as well. My desperate prayers were answered over and over again.
“You made a way when there was none and I trust You will again.”
It is good for me to remember. The absolute darkness and the path towards the light. Sometimes even now when life feels overwhelming, when I feel slighted or hurt by another’s actions….I have to remember the faithfulness of God.
“What I know now is You’re a God who’ll never leave my side…”
There is a comfort in knowing that God is with you in every moment. Those moments of deep sorrow and of the greatest joys and everything in between. And not because I am perfect or doing all the “right” things. But because He loves me (us) that much. What a gift.
“It took me losing everything, but I gained You in the end. I know what I didn’t know then.”
There is a line in the song that is hard for me to sing. “I wouldn’t change a thing, I’d even walk this road again…” Every day I miss my son. This morning I felt like crying over the continued unfairness of it all. And I also know that this sorrow has brought me to the feet of God in a way nothing has before…my understanding of God, my faith in His promises, would they be like this without the suffering? If there was another way to get to the same endpoint, I would gladly have Isaac back. But since that isn’t possible for now, I find gratitude in all God has done to change and sustain me.
I didn’t know this would be my story. I wouldn’t wish the sorrow on anyone. But I am grateful. And I pray you have a faith that draws you closer to a God that loves you more than you can imagine too.